you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Randomize
