I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Dear god my vagina.
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