my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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