So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
