so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Green mimosas i think yes
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
