i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
