i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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