He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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