I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
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