dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
