Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
