Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Randomize
