So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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