Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
