He is like the real live version of the state fair..
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
