There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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