I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
