My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
