I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Randomize
