Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
