I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
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