she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
