wrigley field is MILF paradise
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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