You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
honey bunches of taint.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
