who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
pray to the hookup gods
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Randomize
