I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
