She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
