I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Shame is for Republicans.
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