you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
