finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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