So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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