If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
