You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Randomize
