Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
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