the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
