I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
