for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
i drank out of a bidet.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
