You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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