Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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