I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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