I can text with my tongue
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
