How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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