The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
