Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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