So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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