pop tarts are not kleenex
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
i've created a new STD.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
