woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
