Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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