4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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