i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize