I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
i will never coherently bang her
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I love you. Go after that dick
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
