His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
