when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
