Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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