i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
