my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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