even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
